One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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