Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
