I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
