when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
