before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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