I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
