My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
