Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
