What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
