I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
