sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
