she looked like the before picture.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
false alarm, still single
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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