The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You are the jesus of drinking
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
