I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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