I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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