remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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