I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize