Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
