my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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