i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
