Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
