My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
