Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
