i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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