had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
