Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
