she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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