She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
