I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dear god my vagina.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
