hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
