I think I am morally bankrupt
barbara walters just said penis...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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