Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
