i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
