I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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