"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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