I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
