I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize