at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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