True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
