Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
