Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
