She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
