how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
