I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
