I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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