my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just high enough for therapy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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