So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
