new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
