You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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