I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
