i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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