You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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