What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
