You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
