I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
