I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
