I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
