how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
