I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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