if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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