I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
you made out with another girl for some wings
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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