I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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